I have words flooding within my brain and I have no idea how to phrase it. There are things I realize while starting my mundane day that happens to the very opposite of. What I realized was why you mean so much to me, yet these reasons I could ever tell you. So let me pretend to have done so, and explain to you how you’ve changed the way I view love’s past, present and future.
If you were to understand everything, I’m going to have to go back to the very beginning. He was my first love (lets call him 1 for simplicity sake). He was what first loves embodied. The excitement, the experiences of all our firsts together, and the ability for me to realize how its possible for me to love another so deeply. Similarly, he also reminded me of pain, the hurt and the emptiness I felt after it ended. Though we ended on mutual grounds, I never understood how someone I saw myself spending the rest of my life with is now gone. The shock of this changed who I was at a time I was transitioning between being a teenage and an adult. Where better to go through this emotional shutdown than the party of all parties: university.
This is where the shameful past started and didn’t end until you. I partied, I drank, and I had my fun. What I didn’t realize was that I found nobody remotely attractive or eligible to date. Though there were many kind hearted people around me, I never saw them as an option. I’ve shut myself down. I didn’t want to date nor did I see the point of being emotionally connected to another. Soon, half a year passed, then another half. Now the loneliness crept up on me and I needed to fill a void. That’s when I met number 2.
You know just as well as I do that 2 never could of worked but it was a necessary part of my growth. I dated with no emotional connection what so ever and it left me even more empty that it did before. All I wanted was to relive the days of dating that I’ve experienced before. The fun, the joy and the support…but the comparison between 1 and 2 could not even be called a comparison. That’s when I met you. Of course, you didn’t come into my life at an appropriate time, but when does anyone really?
You might have known all of what I have said so far because I’ve told you my past, but this is the part you have never heard, nor will you ever. You taught me what it’s like to love again. You showed me how to become emotionally fulfilled again. That empty feeling of finding nobody remotely interesting disappeared again. I stopped making small talk because I felt obligated to, but rather because I genuinely wanted to know how your day was going. It’s not just you, but your family as well. Just being surrounded by them showed me something I want in the future. I’ve never wanted that kind of warmth before I met you and I could never understand why others did.
There’s something else I realized to let go, and that was the past. I haven’t been able to do so until I met you, and I always measured the worth of my relationships with 1 as he was the future I could never have. With you, I let that go, I realized that 1 was my first love for a reason, and though nobody could compare to what we had, it was something to be appreciated rather than compared to. I will never have that again since I should never have it again; it was an young and innocent love. What you give me is so much more than that, you opened my heart again after 3 years and a part of me still doesn’t understand how to deal with this.
When I said I feared you were too young, it wasn’t because I thought you weren’t committed to me, but rather you wouldn’t understand the importance of what you’ve done for me. To this, I don’t think you ever will. That’s ok though, I’m uncontrollably happy with your presence in my life.
Though you may not have completely understood what I mean, I couldn’t have been more sincere with the words:
You are my better half.
With all my love,