Leaving Yourself

Recently, I’ve realized subtle yet significant changes to how I was, and who I am becoming. Sounds like some crazy post about puberty and realizing one’s self…which I guess is partially true, except more about adulthood.

These changes are not the largest factors in my worries, but rather, how I like these changes. I realized that at times, I’m becoming that person I hated so many years ago. At time, I realize that I’m so tired of everyone (including myself). No, not in the suicidal way, but more in the “why-can’t-we-have-our-lives-planned-out” way. I realize that the decisions I make are mostly out of anger and spite (hooray….), and that I hate what I’m becoming.

What I also realize about myself is that I am oddly protective and might be destroying all my relationships on purpose. Cliché movies have taught our generation that destroying our relationship is to protect and hide ourselves…but what if it’s just because you genuinely don’t like…people? 

As antisocial as this all seems, I think I realized there’s nobody that you will understand perfectly. I’ve lived with myself for so many years but still have no idea why I feel oddly out of everything. I guess I wanted to “discover” myself through some experience, but I can’t seem to find that experience in my everyday mundane life. 

I wish that I’ll grow to be someone that I can appreciate, respect and accept…and I wish this growth will come soon. 

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