I’m proud as Me, not We.

I’m proud of who I am. That’s something I genuinely have never been able to say. No, I have not reached all my life goals, nor am I even close to doing so, but I cannot say that I’m not proud of the person I have grown into.

It seems to me that major relationships, many tend to lose their sense of self and see themselves as a part of a “we”. I cannot say that I wasn’t one of these people. It seems that our better half is the half we need to be proud, and that without them, we are nothing more than half of something good…which is just mediocre. Today, I realized something different: I realized how to detach myself from being a “we”.

No, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being a part of something great, but I think one should never lose the sense of how great they are without their significant other. Today, I realized that I have the ability to detach, to enjoy my life and to be selfless. To me, it made me realize that I am indeed proud of how much I have achieved at the age of 21, and I want to continue to grow into a woman that I will be proud of when looking back.

So be proud of yourself, without the other half. Without being a “we”.

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You are 3.

Dear You,

I have words flooding within my brain and I have no idea how to phrase it. There are things I realize while starting my mundane day that happens to the very opposite of. What I realized was why you mean so much to me, yet these reasons I could ever tell you. So let me pretend to have done so, and explain to you how you’ve changed the way I view love’s past, present and future.

If you were to understand everything, I’m going to have to go back to the very beginning. He was my first love (lets call him 1 for simplicity sake). He was what first loves embodied. The excitement, the experiences of all our firsts together, and the ability for me to realize how its possible for me to love another so deeply. Similarly, he also reminded me of pain, the hurt and the emptiness I felt after it ended. Though we ended on mutual grounds, I never understood how someone I saw myself spending the rest of my life with is now gone. The shock of this changed who I was at a time I was transitioning between being a teenage and an adult. Where better to go through this emotional shutdown than the party of all parties: university.

This is where the shameful past started and didn’t end until you. I partied, I drank, and I had my fun. What I didn’t realize was that I found nobody remotely attractive or eligible to date. Though there were many kind hearted people around me, I never saw them as an option. I’ve shut myself down. I didn’t want to date nor did I see the point of being emotionally connected to another. Soon, half a year passed, then another half. Now the loneliness crept up on me and I needed to fill a void. That’s when I met number 2.

You know just as well as I do that 2 never could of worked but it was a necessary part of my growth. I dated with no emotional connection what so ever and it left me even more empty that it did before. All I wanted was to relive the days of dating that I’ve experienced before. The fun, the joy and the support…but the comparison between 1 and 2 could not even be called a comparison. That’s when I met you. Of course, you didn’t come into my life at an appropriate time, but when does anyone really?

You might have known all of what I have said so far because I’ve told you my past, but this is the part you have never heard, nor will you ever. You taught me what it’s like to love again. You showed me how to become emotionally fulfilled again. That empty feeling of finding nobody remotely interesting disappeared again. I stopped making small talk because I felt obligated to, but rather because I genuinely wanted to know how your day was going. It’s not just you, but your family as well. Just being surrounded by them showed me something I want in the future. I’ve never wanted that kind of warmth before I met you and I could never understand why others did.

There’s something else I realized to let go, and that was the past. I haven’t been able to do so until I met you, and I always measured the worth of my relationships with 1 as he was the future I could never have. With you, I let that go, I realized that 1 was my first love for a reason, and though nobody could compare to what we had, it was something to be appreciated rather than compared to. I will never have that again since I should never have it again; it was an young and innocent love. What you give me is so much more than that, you opened my heart again after 3 years and a part of me still doesn’t understand how to deal with this.

When I said I feared you were too young, it wasn’t because I thought you weren’t committed to me, but rather you wouldn’t understand the importance of what you’ve done for me. To this, I don’t think you ever will. That’s ok though, I’m uncontrollably happy with your presence in my life.

Though you may not have completely understood what I mean, I couldn’t have been more sincere with the words:

You are my better half.

 

With all my love,

Me

To Be With Someone That Smiles

A smile should never be taken for granted; it says so much about the person. The type of smile, whether it be forced, loving or from pure joy, can say so much about your relationship. The ability to make someone smile should also never be taken for granted; it shows how much you mean to them.

To be with that person that can make you smile just by staring at each other, someone that realizes that such a simple action means so much more than what can be expressed in words, that’s the type of love everyone deserves.

These may be the type of people that are normally too shy to express their emotions in words, but you can sense all they want to say in their actions, or they may be the ones that are not afraid to laugh and pour everything on their heart, but the one action of utter bliss is the perfect midline for all. It’s the silence that’s too loud to ignore.

To know that you make each other happy without the use of words, that’s the greatest moment of all.

5 Life Lesson Learned At 20

I was originally suppose to post this when I turned 20, but I have to say, I didn’t know enough about being 20. As I worked on this post throughout the year, I realized how much I learned as progressed…so maybe you’ll enjoy some of my lessons. And clearly, some pointers were written when I started, while others were expressed once I learned my lessons.

1. Party Hard While You Can

This may sound ridiculous, I’ve just turned 20 and I make it sound like I can’t go out and party anymore, and that’s definitely not what I’m saying. There are some things that I regret not doing when I was a stupid teenager. For example, I took high school way too seriously! When I got to university, I realized high school was practically a joke, and realized how all my classmates had the time to go out and party. Sure, there are lots of age restrictions and I’m definitely not telling anyone to go out and get drunk every friday, but a small house party with a stolen bottle of wine from the parent’s shelves should have been done, and I regret letting my high school experience disappear like that. Now’s the time to do all those small things, to do those things that you won’t have the chance to do later on in life. Listen to shitty dubstep, club until 4AM and get home hammered, go to summer rave festivals, but do everything knowing what you are capable of. Do it now or forever hold your peace.

2. Protect Your Body, Build a Habit

Since we are the age that we are, this is the time get into the habits that we would never want to start later. For example, sleep early and wake up early. I know that’s impossible for a university student, but doesn’t mean you can’t try. Go to the gym, cook actual food (and not just instant noodles), drink lots of water. These small things can help you in the long run, and there’s no better time to start. You’re going to realize later down the road that you feel heavy and that you can’t do what you use to be able to do, and by that point, it’s already too late.

3. Fall into Infatuation Stupidly

What better time to be dumb then now. When we were young, “dating” started with holding hands and ended with what we thought was the end of the world. Now that you’re in your 20’s, there’s so much more than that. There’s the game. Who wants the other more? Are they into serious relationships or just up for a 1 night fling? Do I want to be that one night fling? These things are suddenly…acceptable. So why not live out your stupidity while you’re young and able to stand back on your feet? Don’t fall head first. Don’t love easily. Early 20’s is not the time.

4. Appreciate The Family

Look back a bit. In the past 10 years I suppose. We’ve went through the “worship the ground they walked on” phase, and the “I hate you, you’re embarrassing me” phase…so isn’t it about time we started to appreciate them? Parents want nothing more than for their children to be happy. Though sometimes they may install weird ideals and pressure you into things you never wanted to do, that’s only because they assumed they were right. Remember something, as you are growing older, so are they. Soon, you’ll be in your 30’s and they’ll most likely be around their 50’s to 60’s, meaning more than half their lifespan is over. Would you regret what you didn’t say to them when they’re gone? Or maybe what you did?

5. Honesty to Yourself

This is the time in which you see yourself grow into a real person, the person you wish to be in the future. If you’re not honestly with yourself, how are you going to learn anything during this time. Be honestly with your feelings, with what you want, how you want to treat others and how you wish to be treated. Being an immature brat in public will no longer be accepted and you must step outside of your body and honestly judge yourself. Will you regret what you’re doing when you look back in 5, 10, 15 years? There’s no better way to be honestly than to be realistic. Slow down, take a moment and think.

The Words Nobody Can Say

I’m at the point in my life where I realize how much is suppose to be kept to yourself. The secrets that are whispered in grade 2 are no longer the same secrets that I try to hide currently. These ones can ruin relationships, friendships, and ultimately myself. Sadly, I’ve never been great at keeping secrets. Looking back, I’ve never had to keep a secret from those close to me…and now, I don’t know how to do it.

This is quite bothersome since I don’t necessary want to share this with the world, but at the same time, I can’t help but feel like this is a major milestone in my life that those close around me should know. I don’t want them to find out through another means other than myself in the future. This builds doubt and trust issues.

I want to let them know, but I want to save the friendships as well. It’s at times like these that I wish I can look to the future and realize that actions have consequences. Perhaps the consequence of this is that I have to suffer the secrecy, knowing that the guilt attacks are from none other than myself.

Let laughter cover , but never forget.

Because You’re You.

Today, I heard something from my coworker that broke my heart into pieces. 

He’s a father of a son who’s currently just finished off middle school. He’s from Pakistan. His son is getting bullied for having the last name including Bin Ladin. He’s a worried father hoping his son will make it out of this well. His son is currently going on medication for anxiety. This is because of where they came from.

 

I won’t pretend to be a saint that’s never judged based on skin colour, but it’s the first time I’ve heard the other side so clearly. He was so worried, asking me how highschool was, and if it was easy to make friend…because his son is scared. I’ve never seen my own father worried like that, therefore it was even more tough to see another’s going through it. He told me his son was excluded from all group work in school because of his skin colour, his name, and his culture. 

I’ve never been so angry at middle schoolers. I was there once and I will say one thing, I absolutely hated it there. Every child trying to grow up will try to bully others proving that they’re doing so faster, and it’s just a hate filled environment.

I legitimately did not know what the father was trying to get from me, but I had to tell him the truth, that children are mean little things. They hurt without knowing and they’re ignorant as hell. This little boy just got the bad end of the stick because he’s of a different colour. It was extremely frustrating and heartbreaking. 

 

It was more frustrating when I came home and ranted to my mother about it. She said “well it’s because they’re Paki”…I was in awe. We’re of a different culture too and I know what it feels like to be judged…so who the hell are we to say a different culture is the cause of all evil. I was so angry and I don’t know why, but this boy and his father just made me so sad about the world and how people are treating people. I guess popular culture isn’t helping anything, but I sure wish something would. 

The Love I Want

This is the type of love I want, nothing more and nothing less.

I want a subtle love, a quiet love. Nothing too extravagant, nothing too extreme.

The kind of love that allows you to cuddle on a rainy spring day with a cup of tea.
The kind of love that allows you to lay down in a grass field in the summer.

I want a lazy love. The ones that just slowly bubbles but never boils.

The kind of love you associate with the smell of a pumpkin pie when the leaves are falling.
The kind of love that has you starring at the falling snow for hours.

I don’t want anything too much, but never too little.

I want to share this love with someone that just listen, absorbs, and nothing more.

A simple love.

A pink love

Leaving Yourself

Recently, I’ve realized subtle yet significant changes to how I was, and who I am becoming. Sounds like some crazy post about puberty and realizing one’s self…which I guess is partially true, except more about adulthood.

These changes are not the largest factors in my worries, but rather, how I like these changes. I realized that at times, I’m becoming that person I hated so many years ago. At time, I realize that I’m so tired of everyone (including myself). No, not in the suicidal way, but more in the “why-can’t-we-have-our-lives-planned-out” way. I realize that the decisions I make are mostly out of anger and spite (hooray….), and that I hate what I’m becoming.

What I also realize about myself is that I am oddly protective and might be destroying all my relationships on purpose. Cliché movies have taught our generation that destroying our relationship is to protect and hide ourselves…but what if it’s just because you genuinely don’t like…people? 

As antisocial as this all seems, I think I realized there’s nobody that you will understand perfectly. I’ve lived with myself for so many years but still have no idea why I feel oddly out of everything. I guess I wanted to “discover” myself through some experience, but I can’t seem to find that experience in my everyday mundane life. 

I wish that I’ll grow to be someone that I can appreciate, respect and accept…and I wish this growth will come soon. 

Sentimental Speeches

Image

© rainbowbop@flickr

I’m currently sitting in an airport trying to squeeze out 1 last blog post before I leave for vacation. I didn’t know what I wanted to write about until my friend sent me a text saying “text me 10 minutes before you board so I can send you a sentimental text”.

Oh yes, quite adorable. Still, the first thing I thought about when I read the text was “wow…so she assumes I’m going to die…just in case”.

Has anyone noticed that people are always cautious when it comes to others leaving? Even for the shortest of time, and knowing for sure that they will be back. The first response to leaving is still “just in case I never see you again, I need you to know my feelings as a last sentiment from me”…as if sentiments mean something huge if it was the last time you would see your friend.

I guess this post is rushed and impatiently wrote (since I’m boarding in less than half an hour and I’m still trying to chug down my coffee), I just wanted people to think about the concept of others leaving, and why you care so much.

On a completely different note, has anyone noticed how beautiful airports are? It’s like the world in 1 place, at 1 time. Everyone, from everywhere intersect here. A piece of everywhere has been here, and people don’t even notice this when they’re passing others. The beauty of different passports when you one’s lining up for customs is so intriguing to me, the fact that there are so many different types of people gathering in one place.

It’s a beautiful worldly meet.

The Psychology of Frustration

It’s just one of those days.

I’ve been sitting here at this table, for almost 2 days straight, trying to study for a exam that I’ve gotten worse and worse results on every time I try.

That, my friends, is frustrating.

I’m currently taking a psychology class that discusses the ways of evil, and a portion of which links to the emotion of hate. Interestingly, my professor has drilled into our minds that hate is not an emotion, rather, it is a motive to decrease one’s wellbeing. I like that definition, makes hating seem a lot less…guilty, and a lot more unavoidable.

“oh well, they did this, therefore, it fuelled my motivation to decrease their well being…not my fault.”

That being put aside, another aspect of that course that got me thinking is the concept of frustration. It is defined as anger towards a situation. Has anyone thought about how…well ironically, frustrating that is? The fact that, we cannot change our emotions because it is not within anyone’s hands to change. Unless someone was to completely erase the situation (and even then, it’ll linger in your mind), we have to sit there and deal with it.

Was there a point to this whole rampage of hate, anger and overall negativity? No.

I do, however, feel that it is necessary for people to realize that they cannot change certain feelings, emotions and situations in which these emotions are based on. You have to suck it up, get over it, and move on. You know those celebrities on TV that will constantly tell you “oh, it’ll get better, I promise”. They’re lying. Not because they mean to (because they genuinely believe it), and not because it won’t eventually happen, but because it’s not getting better for the reasons that they believe in; it’s not because the situation has disappeared (especially from your memories) but because you’re going to learn to live with it, deal with it on your own terms, and let go.

So, my advice?

Be frustrated, be angry, but be ready to understand when enough is enough.